Unapologetically Me

The last school year was rough and I’m being kind. So in an effort to start this distance learning experiment on the right foot, I found myself reminding my kids of things they already knew. Checking in on them to make sure they were on task. I was telling them to do A-Z when it was not required by their teachers, just what I thought they should do. I was double and triple-checking that they went to their virtual classes. I was doing the most and felt like I was in the 5th and 8th grade again. I don’t think I was a helicopter parent but...I was pretty damn close. In my effort to support and create an environment for them to flourish I crossed the ever so thin line that made my kiddos think they needed to perform and be perfect. And if you know me that can’t be further from the truth. I didn’t want to change their personalities or who they are becoming, I just wanted to help them develop good study habits and rhythms that would allow them to thrive. And no matter how much I said I don’t...

Summer didn’t feel much like a break and here we are back into what feels like will be another grind. Today is the first day of school for my kids, and like many parents, the weeks building up to this day have been filled with so many feelings running from excitement to dread. As I began to prepare for the school year, I found myself trying to figure out all of the things I need to do to make sure the kids succeed in school. I had returned to the rhythm of doing and producing I said I didn’t want to return to .  Yet I started checking things off my list: Watch all the videos the teachers send✅ Read all the emails from the principal, the superintendent, the lunch lady, PTA….✅ Download this year’s parent communication app...oh wait there are two ✅ Read the messages and sign-up for this and that...don’t forget that one as well ✅ Check to make sure they have all supplies for at-home learning ✅ Repeat that process for kid #2 ✅ Follow the school on FB, IG, and twitter (just in case they ...

Over the last few months I’ve talked with many of my friends as we’ve tried to figure out how to parent during the pandemic. It’s been good to hear one another’s stories and find comfort knowing we aren’t alone. I’ve also felt like we each have been holding our breath as we look towards the start of the school year. And just like that, it’s here.  I thought it might be a good idea to offer a weekly reflection during this school year. Each week I’ll share a snippet of what’s going on in my world, a word of encouragement, and some responsive activity to help us continue to care for our souls well as we parent and seek to thrive. If you’re interested in receiving this weekly reflection, please subscribe with your email address. (I’m pretty sure these reflections will be applicable to most people even if you don’t have little ones running around so you’re also welcome to DM me too!) Click here for this week’s reflection.

This is Part I of Processing - This Week: May 29, 2020 Like most working moms who are taking their kids to work as they work remotely during the pandemic I have learned all the more how important it is for me to protect my time and space. When I set aside time to write I have learned that I have to protect the writing time with my life. That means walling myself off in some corner of my home emerging to come up for air and food and tuning all social media and the rest of the world out. And so when I emerged for a breathe on Tuesday and saw my timeline filled with a new hashtag I logged off. I logged off not because I wanted to remain ignorant of what happened. I logged off to protect my sanity, to protect my own wellbeing. And just as I have learned that I have to fight to protect my time I’ve learned to fight to protect my heart and mind.  When I saw there was another name added to the list, I knew I couldn’t watch it or see it or process it or anything else. I already knew I’ve b...

Part 2: Processing This Week- May 29, 2020 (If you haven't I encourage you to read  Part 1  as well) I learned that I can’t expose myself to everything that you see What I watch will have a more drastic impact on me I have to protect my mind, body, and soul Because of the years and things I’ve seen has taken its toll I can’t see yet another video and I don’t need to see it in order to fully understand  It won’t teach me anything new about this here fucked up land  We live in that we call the U.S. of A And no matter what folks try to say  Its been fucked up since that very day  When they kidnapped us and brought us ashore  Placing us in shackles as we fought to endure  To preserve our humanity no matter how much it was denied  Holding our heads up high while our souls silently cried  Chanting and saying see me and let me breathe  But we’re here again, figuring out how to grieve  The death that came as he kneeled and took his li...

Part 3: Processing This Week- May 29, 2020  (If you haven't I encourage you to read Part 1 as well) You have to know this shit takes its toll On our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls It’s like a venom that lives inside my veins  That pours forth every time we have to utter a new name  It’s the venom that makes my heart skip a beat When I’m driving down the street and I cop I do meet Its vicarious trauma that courses through my veins  That is slowly killing me and driving me insane It’s like these tiny pinpricks that crawls slowly along my skin  As I wonder aloud if this shit will ever really end As yet another mother has joined a group that we all know we could belong to someday  That mother's club we didn’t get recruited to this year so we can celebrate a birthday I’m tired of this shit but don’t know that I have hope that it will end  Because of the privilege that you hold that’s birthed out of the sin Of centuries of trauma that yes your people did ...

Part 4: Processing This Week- May 29, 2020 (If you haven't I encourage you to read  Part 1  as well) There’s a terror I knew when I birthed a black boy into this world  I see the insults and allegations his way will be hurled  You don’t understand I don’t think you will ever really know  It’s something so raw and vulnerable I choose to never fully show  But it’s the same venom the trauma that makes my heart race  When my son leaves the house with a big smile on his face Wanting to simply go ride his bike from here to there  I have to give him a long list of don’t as I pull back his hair  And I wait while he’s gone not really breathing at all  Not until he returns and hoping no one will call And tell me there’s been an incident involving my son today  Do I have time to come by and hear what they have to say  It’s a fear that’s my companion and it won’t just simply go away I’ll hold it until my own dying day  And I pray to m...