Unapologetically Me

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”  Joseph Campbell I hate that saying “when life gives you lemons make lemonade,” mostly because I do not like lemonade all that much. Maybe if I add strawberries and iced tea, then it’s a drink I’d like. Too often when we use sayings and other platitudes like this they can feel empty. They can be used as a way to dismiss the pain and reality that exists. In this season I feel like I’m making a lot of lemonade and need to embrace the essence of this saying, even if I don’t like lemonade in much the same way that I don’t care for radical change. In December 2019, as I began to prepare for 2020, I began to think of how excited I was for the year to come. I knew it would be a big year with so many things to celebrate in my family. From me turning 40, Cailyn turning 13, Caleb turning 10, Charles turning 45, celebrating 15 years of marriage, and completing a very long, long, long process i...

Since April I've had a pair of Mourning Doves nest outside my window. At the beginning of the pandemic, I thought how sweet. I get to sit and watch these doves nest and care for the eggs. It was interesting watching each of the birds care for the nest and await their young to hatch. Like us, during the pandemic, the birds are confined and have limited places and spaces they can go to until their young hatch. I watched as the primary parent stayed put like a soldier from the Queen of England’s royal guard. I called this one the primary parent just because this bird stayed with the eggs for longer periods of the day. A few times during the day a secondary parent would come in and relieve the primary parent from their duties. The secondary parent would sit on the eggs but it would also fly to the adjacent ledge and watch the eggs for a bit. It never let them out of their sight but was just a little ways away.  Watching these birds reminds me that they didn’t care for the eggs the same...

Writing and poetry help me to articulate and process how I feel.  Here are my reflections.  I suppose I can only kinda pretend to ignore the world on fire for so long before the ash from the smoke infiltrates my world, extinguishing the air, and making it difficult to breathe, as the reality that has continued to be my norm overtakes the news cycle yet again. I guard my eyes, my ears, and my mind, knowing that I can only take so much trauma. And while I know that seeing it helps folks believe what we’ve said for centuries, for me, Tracey, I know I’ll never be able to unsee it. I’ll never be able to erase it from my mind. Like the horror flicks from the 90s, these images will forever be etched into my brain, overshadowing the brief moment of celebration that should have been this week.  I knew the world was on fire again, I could smell the smoke rising in my nostrils and consuming everything it touched. I wasn’t ignoring that Anthony McClain had been slain on Pasadena’s st...