Everything and Nothing Really New at All
Writing and poetry help me to articulate and process how I feel.
Here are my reflections.
I suppose I can only kinda pretend to ignore the world on fire for so long before the ash from the smoke infiltrates my world, extinguishing the air, and making it difficult to breathe, as the reality that has continued to be my norm overtakes the news cycle yet again. I guard my eyes, my ears, and my mind, knowing that I can only take so much trauma. And while I know that seeing it helps folks believe what we’ve said for centuries, for me, Tracey, I know I’ll never be able to unsee it. I’ll never be able to erase it from my mind. Like the horror flicks from the 90s, these images will forever be etched into my brain, overshadowing the brief moment of celebration that should have been this week.
I knew the world was on fire again, I could smell the smoke rising in my nostrils and consuming everything it touched. I wasn’t ignoring that Anthony McClain had been slain on Pasadena’s street; I was just trying to help my kids begin the school year, so I didn’t have much to say. But I also didn’t have much to say because we’ve said it all before.
I wasn't ignoring the recent murder of McClain followed by the shooting of Jacob Blake, it is just how I deal with trauma that is a normal part of my daily existence. This is why I've believed in the myth of the StrongBlackWoman for so long. I’ve put on the armor and tune out the trauma so that I would make it through the day.
In much the same way that the last week of May was difficult, the last week of August was just as painful. And, just when I thought I could allow myself the space I needed to process the loss, I see armed self-proclaimed militia being thanked for their presence by heavily armed police, in tanks that roll down American streets, tear gassing those who are in open revolt because the social contract has been broken yet again.
I see the same white man who, moments earlier, received thanks and praise, shoot and kill protesters and walk away towards cops who ignore him even though all the voices around tell them he’s the one who they are looking for. It’s an issue of misrecognition and recognition.
In the same way that our Black bodies are viewed as the enemy of the state, his white body is recognized as normal and not a threat. His carrying of a weapon and walking away from where shots were fired is OK. He’s allowed to pass by unharmed. He can walk away alive after killing people, he can be taken into custody alive because his white body is recognized as normal and never perceived as the threat that it really is. While another human, Jacob Blake, didn’t get to walk away; his body that walked away from officers was seen as a threat. And herein lies the problem: the ways Black folks have been misrecognized and depicted is killing us in the streets and cutting us daily with microaggressions and infractions that wreak havoc on our body, soul, and mind.
Doc Rivers, coach of the LA Clippers, said: “How dare Republicans talk about fear, we’re the ones that need to be scared… all we’re asking is that you live up to the Constitution.” His lament shows the reality of what it means to grow up and be treated as an enemy of the state, while others in white bodies use a privilege that allows them to walk away unscathed and to be presumed innocent.
Everything and nothing really new at all
Is really how it feels when we all watched him fall
To the ground next to his minivan with his kids or while running down the street
On the ground or walking away doesn’t change the fate we might meet
America, like the unnamed king in Exodus 1, uses fear to turn our boys into men, before they turn 10
Making us all sit and wonder if and when this trauma will end
How do you hope when there has been so much pain
And it feels like all the efforts are somehow in vain
I know it'll take years and decades to undo
The damages of this war this nation declares on me and you
We didn't strike first, we've simply been trying to live free
But the twisted ideology continues and won't let us be
I have to raise my girl and boy in a world that barely sees who they are
So that means, unfortunately, the SBW armor will go on it's going to leave a scar
How else am I supposed to manage and get them to school on time
How else will I work even though he gets dollars while I get pennies for my time
This system seems so inescapable, no matter which way I turn
I don't know what to do with the ache and the yearn
You grow numb you lose hope until they look into your eyes
And you know you gotta keep moving so long as the sun and moon cross the big blue skies
You find ways to ward off the trauma that will come from seeing what happens again and again
You learn to take a deep breath to compartmentalize so that you can simply just begin
To deal with and navigate all that’s coming your way
Because, unfortunately, being black in America, this happens every day
As Jacob’s sister said, “I don't want your sorry, I want change”
Her words echoing centuries of repressed anger and rage
You have it within you to make the changes needed today
This world rapidly responded when Covid took over our day-to-day
Change can come, no matter what you may say
Begin with what you declared, because we take you at your word
When you said all are created equal and to be treated as human beings, that’s what we all heard
No more empty apologies because repentance requires you turn from your ways
It requires you letting us live and allowing God to number our days
Repentance requires actions that moves you away from sin
It doesn’t require justify or a manipulation of a truth to make it bend
If we are to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God
Then we must dismantle this ideology that is cloaked in facade
Be the change that you know you want to see
So that my Black family can live at peace and simply just be
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