Dear Fuller Community

In the last few days, I've watched my brothers and sisters share their story #SeminaryWhileBlack, #ToxicFuller #BlackExodus.

As an alum, student, and staff I wanted to add my voice...

Fuller Community-

They often say that when we see something and choose to remain silent our silence communicates an agreement to go along. I am a pretty private person- I keep to myself, keep my head down, do my job, study, and go home. But I know that I can only remain silent for so long until my silence becomes interrupted as compliance, agreement, or submission to the status quo.

I recognize that to speak up and take a stand will cost me something. And I haven’t had the emotional energy it takes to take that stand. I don’t actually have it now. I haven’t had it, don’t have it because I’ve been speaking up for my kids in their elementary school as they deal with the same grievances my brothers and sisters have here at Fuller. I’ve had to choose my battles. - I’ve had to remind my children that their black is beautiful, that their brilliance is breathtaking, and they are gifted as they navigate - educational halls that don’t see them, refuse to acknowledge the contributions of their ancestors, and only choose to see them if they live into the role assigned to them by Whiteness. I’ve had to listen to the micro aggressions masked as compliments like she speaks so well, they are so well behaved, wow he’s a good communicator, etc. So I haven’t had to time to fight the battle on all fronts. It’s just been too much.

But I realize that I must fight on all fronts because it’s not just about my kids, but future generations that will study at their school and this institution. I must say something because to work and study in a toxic environment is detrimental to my social, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. And what I mean by that is Fuller is killing me slowly.  

And so I speak. I speak as a Fuller MDiv Alum, I speak as a current DMin student who should be writing her dissertation, I speak as staff, I speak as an administrator, I speak as a mom, as a wife, as a pastor, and as a leader.  I speak as one of the few black women sitting in these places and I echo the sentiments of my brothers and sisters that yes Fuller is indeed a toxic place to study and work for black folks, for women, for POC and most of us are dying slowly by a thousand cuts.

Many of us have held on because we had a hope that Fuller was unlike most PWIs and would choose to live into its mission. For too long have we’ve sat patiently asking for the same things that the previous generation asked for. Yet, its received as though its being heard for the first time by the institution. The truth is as an institution you’ve just chosen not to listen. Maybe that’s not quite right. You’ve listened but you didn’t hear to the point that it compelled you to act in meaningful sustaining ways. Instead, you responded with little acts to give the illusion, that if we endure just a little while longer it’ll be rewarded. I wonder if the concerns we voiced impacted your bottom line would the response had been the same. But for too long as an institution you’ve used our desire to follow God’s words of love and justice to lull us back to sleep over and over and over again while you tell us in due time all will be well.

My first year at Fuller was rough. When I came I was 1 of about 5 black students in that incoming class and 1 of the few 20 something female MDiv students in our class. And I didn’t have a place to really belong, where I could fully be myself, I could only bring parts of myself, so I lived/live a very fragmented existence here at Fuller. The African American Church studies center was in between Deans. I was awarded a scholarship that would expire in 3 years so I needed to put my head down and study and get it done. I didn’t have time to think about belonging or even to process that the theology I was learning was from a colonized perceptive. I assumed that since other black women whom I’d respected came through these halls then I would be fine. I explained that feeling, that you can’t name or touch, to the fact I didn’t have a BA in theology. I didn’t know the entire time I was really inside of a sunken place. And so I put my head down taking 12 units each quarter for 11 quarters straight and plowed my way through my MDiv. But is that what we want? Is that how we prepare men and women to be Global leaders for Kingdom vocation? By asking them to study from a sunken place?

Without an outside community, I wouldn’t have made it through. It was my church community that kept me grounded. My intentional community that allowed me to develop deep relationships with men and women who helped me navigate Fuller in ways I am grateful for. It was the handful of black faculty who saw me in their classes and helped me to see that I did belong. They gave me tools and words that spoke to my heart. They let us read books that affirmed my faith tradition as legitimate and not as this other thing over there. And for that I’m grateful. It was that moment that Dr. Pannell stepped in to sub and review my first sermon preached in my preaching class that helped me to see that I actually had a voice and that my voice mattered. It was Dr. Jacobs who helped me understand the rationale behind the textual criticism approach to studying scripture and unlocked a love for the Old Testament in me that I didn’t know I had. It was Dr. Abernethy who sat with us and helped us think about the impact of trauma, stress, in the churches and communities we lived in and served in. It was Dr. Smith who reminded me of an African American spirituality that validated ways I’d prayed, lived, and encountered God as legitimate and not other. It was these 12 units of the 144 units I took that helped me to see how I needed to contextualize everything else. There were other non-black professors along the way who did this also in different ways. But representation matters, because in seeing those four professors, it affirmed that I too belonged.

When I was working on MDiv I expected that the institution would hire faculty who could expose me to a variety of thought in order to help me as a student become a thoughtful, reflective, well-rounded theologian. However, it wasn’t until I began my DMin that Dr. Rah introduced me to an entirely new world of Black, Latinx, Asian, and women scholars, that I didn’t know even existed.  For the first time in a long time I reencountered the Jesus I had met before I came to seminary, the Jesus that embraced me fully for who I am. At the same time as I studied I began to realize just how colonized my MDiv education was and how much deconstruction I would need to do.

As a staff /administrator I see it the ins and outs of Fuller. Its in that moment when that white male professor doesn’t have time to respond to my question but instantly responds to my white male colleague. Was it because I lack initials after my name? Was it because I’m a woman? Or was it because I’m black? Which one of those was it? I’m tired of being mistaken by people I’ve worked with for years as someone I’m not. I've watched as the voices of blacks, women, and POC were dismissed or questioned while the white male voice was elevated as Gospel Truth. I recall when I've spoken up and had my own thoughts unheard until it was co-signed by a white male. 

I've come to realize that my contributions will never fully be valued here. I am expected to play my role, do my job, don’t make noise, put my head down and get it done. Do you know how hard it is to come to work to give your all only not to be seen or valued?  I’ve watched how with each restructure Fuller has had over the years they have timed out staff who’ve committed decades to this institution and they are left with little to nothing in return.  I’ve watched how we wear down black faculty. How we invite them to the table but make the decisions in another space. I've gone to the farewell parties each year for those with whom we had the chance to say goodbye. While for others we didn't get to say goodbye as they were here one moment and gone the next. I’ve watched, experienced, and heard how we are constantly asked to keep doing the workload of a person and a half for the compensation of half a job, all in the name of the kingdom. And so I’ve been silent not because I choose to go along but I’m silent because this cost me to speak and I honestly don’t know if anything I say will make a difference. For those allies who've seen and understood I have intentionally chosen not to name you here because to do so would center this conversation on whiteness and that's the last thing that needs to be done.

I think there is some wisdom in what Dr. Pannell said in a recent Facebook Live talk. When asked: What would you say James Cone offers the black church that the black church might have missed or even the black evangelical church? He responded:

"Cone would relieve us a certain kind of theological naivety with regard to our relations to our white brothers and sisters. A naivety that I think still haunts the black evangelicals segments of the black church. He would say until white evangelicals the white church evangelical or otherwise… until there is a serious repentance and a disengagement from its capitulation to American culture there will be no possibility of reconciliation… the evangelical movement became more and more American and less and less Christian. They lost their prophetic edge.”

Fuller, unfortunately, is no different. There hasn’t been a serious repentance or a disengagement from American culture. I heard someone recently say that Fuller as an institution must divest itself of whiteness. And I’m pretty sure that means not just in its public persona but rather the core of its existence. And I wonder if me and my black brothers and sisters will continue to hold on to our naivety or will we recognize its not something the institution truly intends to do. Will we stand for up for the integrity of the degree and let the world know of the toxicity that exists or will we continue to hold on waiting for the sweet by and by.

To live into its mission, Fuller must stop giving false hope and empty promises. There are many individuals that deeply care, but as an institution, there has been no serious repentance or disengagement from ties to whiteness. Fuller must do more than just recognizing the pervasiveness of whiteness and the toxicity it creates for black folks, women and POC, otherwise Fuller will not live up to its mission. Instead the institution will continue to betray the trust and confidence of the beloved community to which it would like to be.

As Fuller seeks to cast a vision for the next generation, it can't be done as before, because the toxicity will simply be transferred to another place. I get it, it takes time. But there's been over half a century to remedy this. It's not about time, it's about the ability to stand, choose the course and stay the course regardless of the cost. Each time there's a meeting, and black faculty, staff, and students are asked to share, it costs us. We would never ask someone who's being abused to stay and teach the abuser how to stop inflicting pain. Yet PWIs have gotten pretty good at doing exactly just that.  

This note will likely cost me relationships, job security, blowback, etc., but I must speak because the costs are too high. I can’t see another generation of students walk through these halls only to be traumatized by a colonized theology that makes them feel like the Gospel is only for them if they see it through the lenses of whiteness. Seminary is hard enough. Being black in America is hard enough. Being a woman in this world is hard enough. It really isn’t that hard for Fuller to change you just have to want to do what you say you want to do and then actually do it.

So here I echo the sentiments of concerns expressed by the Black Student Concerns:

Fuller Theological Seminary is toxic. White normativity is a noxious agent that permeates every aspect of the institution and suffocates black Fuller community members (i.e. students, staff, and faculty).

Fuller is toxic because:

• Administration has ignored black student concerns...for decades
• Lack of African American faculty and staff recruitment
• African American student, faculty, and staff attrition
• Little to no engagement with black scholarship and thought
• Culture of anti-blackness: hostility and apathy for black persons is the norm
• Culture of fear: black Fuller community members are afraid to report discrimination and racial incidents due to past incidents of retaliation
• Administration mishandles or ignores reports of racial impropriety

Black students and staff at Fuller are making the following demands of the administration:

• Prioritize hiring and retention of African American faculty
• Build a pipeline of black doctoral students and cultivate black scholars
• Decolonize course content and integrate black scholarship into the core curriculum of all Fuller’s programs
• Develop and implement Title VI (non-discrimination) and Title VII (non-discrimination in employment) policies to address incidents of racial discrimination

Blessings,

Tracey Stringer-

Fuller Alum, MDiv 05

DMin candidate

Director of Apprenticeship- Fuller Seminary