Processing This Week: May 29, 2020
This is Part I of Processing -This Week: May 29, 2020
Like most working moms who are taking their kids to work as they work remotely during the pandemic I have learned all the more how important it is for me to protect my time and space. When I set aside time to write I have learned that I have to protect the writing time with my life. That means walling myself off in some corner of my home emerging to come up for air and food and tuning all social media and the rest of the world out. And so when I emerged for a breathe on Tuesday and saw my timeline filled with a new hashtag I logged off. I logged off not because I wanted to remain ignorant of what happened. I logged off to protect my sanity, to protect my own wellbeing. And just as I have learned that I have to fight to protect my time I’ve learned to fight to protect my heart and mind.
When I saw there was another name added to the list, I knew I couldn’t watch it or see it or process it or anything else. I already knew I’ve been living in a dark night of the soul, that isn’t code for depression it’s a mixture of depression, existential crisis, a crisis of faith, you name it all rolled in one. The fact that I had moments of clarity meant I needed to protect that space all the more and tune out to write. So that when I did resurface I could handle what was there.
When I emerged, I learned the narrative about how yet another unarmed Black man was murdered by a police officer swore to serve and protect. I was reminded again how that serve and protect clause never fully applied to me, and those who look and show up in the world in Black bodies. And while I begin to listen to folks around me reflect at the senselessness and the atrocities, in my head I begin to think here we go again. It is the cycle that happens when Black Bodies are subjected to unwarranted persecution and murdered.
Society is outraged
Hashtags are created
We protest
We revolt
Maybe someone is held accountable but more than likely not
Folks with privilege can and do forget
Then it begins all again
But while folks forget and keep moving on, they have no idea the degree of vicarious trauma and the perpetual state of trauma that cycle takes on Black bodies, minds, and souls. That coupled with the fact that we are living in a pandemic where we are dying at a higher rate. And a bunch of other injustices we encounter on a daily basis because we live in this fucked up white patriarchal supremacist society. And so as we’ve gone through these cycles more and more since Trayvon Martin…Emmitt Till… I’ve learned more and more how to protect myself through the cycles.
As I watched the interaction between Amy Cooper and Christian Cooper and scrolled through the initial coverage of the incident I was astonished at how many headlines felt the need to include and discuss what happened to the dog. Some went so far as to clarify the misinformation initially reported about when she adopted the pet. The very fact that so many people were somehow interested in the dog as a subtext to the incident is an indication of just how fucked up and flawed this country is. So many people wanted to know if the dog was ok. One article noted “Henry, the adorable dog seen struggling to free himself in the video, is no longer in Amy’s care. She “voluntarily surrendered” him Monday night Abandoned Angels Cocker Spaniel Rescue said. “The dog is now in our rescue’s care and he is safe and in good health.”
There was so much attention placed on the care and wellbeing of the dog. Folks, the damn dog is ok… the dog that belongs to the Karen’s of the world are ok but what happened to the two Black men this week is not OK.
So as I’ve been sitting and reflecting after I’ve emerged from my place I had a few thoughts that I wrote. Since I tend to be kinda wordy I broke them up into different free verses, as I’ve processed so very many things this week. You can read them all as one free verse as it came initially that way or as four separate pieces.
I Don’t Want to Join that Club
Today, as I awake to see all the revolts that occurred throughout the night all over the country. I recognize the domino effects of this week that lead to a long night of flames. But please know, it didn’t begin on Monday it began, so very long ago. I think Trevor Noah provides a good commentary on understanding the domino effects leading up to these most recent revolts.
Today I know I need to give myself space to cry and mourn I’m listening to 12 year old Keedron Bryant’s lament as he declares his hearts desire to “just want to live” along with Lauryn Hill’s cry in the backdrop as shares about Black Rage against the backdrop of a classic American song. (Images in the YouTube video will be triggering for some, so don’t watch if you can’t. The song is on SoundCloud as well). And then I’m going to sit and hold my babies and just be.
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