Chasing Joy

I’ve lived my life in pursuit of happiness but haven’t found much joy. I’ve had moments of happiness. Yet more moments consumed by the hectic pace of life trying to pursue happiness. Seeking after a so-called dream within a society that never fully considered my humanity, the fullness of my identity. Instead I’m being handed lemons and told to make lemonade. I know folks around me have been able to benefit from the lemonade I’ve made out of life circumstances. The truth of the matter is: I don’t actually like lemonade. And I’ve found myself lacking one simple thing: Joy.

I’ve made the best out of what I had but the reality is I still felt like I’m on a hamster wheel circling around, pursuing and shifting to conform. Working twice as hard for less pay. Pushing myself to prove to folks I belong. Going over and above to demonstrate my competence. All the while not realizing the toil compromising my physical and mental well-being.

Giving of myself and losing bits and pieces of me along the way. I’ve found myself lost like Esther in the Old Testament in her struggle for identity shifting to preserve her livelihood. Passing not to climb a ladder but to survive. Assimilating to dominant culture norms in order to move closer to that which is considered ‘normal.’ Seeking to gain a level of respectability in hopes that I can be taken seriously.

Hiding pieces of myself because somehow I grew up thinking there was only one way to be Black. With all of the shifting I no longer recognize the woman I see in the mirror. And I find myself asking, like Mulan, “When will my reflection show who I am inside?”

At a recent advent retreat at our church, Cindy Lee encouraged us to reflect and listen to God. At first, I started to think of all the things that seemed beyond my control that led me to a place of feeling lost and alone. But as I listened, I saw myself driving away from my grandma’s home headed to our new life in Magee, Mississippi. In that moment a deep longing to be at home, at my grandma’s house, came over me.

At my grandma’s house, I felt like I got to be free. Uninhibited. Adventuresome. Silly. Fearless. I knew so much was negotiable, so I asked for what I wanted and needed. At my grandma’s house I was shielded from the world yet told the truth about that world I’d one day live fully in. At my grandma's house I could run in the fields, laugh uncontrollably and simply enjoy being alive. We lived outdoors going fishing, picking berries, sitting on the levee watching the barges on the Mississippi river.

At my grandma’s house I was just Bug, and I got to be me. No mask or armor of the StrongBlackWoman. No shifting or conforming. But the further I got away from Baby Jane’s house (that’s my grandma)—my home—I felt less and less like me.

In that moment of longing for my grandma’s house, I began to sense that God was inviting me on a journey home. A journey to my true self. A return to that little girl who lives inside of me. The little girl who is full of life and fearless. Who is adventurous and brash. Who dances to her own beat. I believed I had to put away those childish things and grow up. On the Daily Show Trevor Noah, in talking to with Yara Shahidi about her show Grownish, pointed out:

“When you’re like 16 you’re like I’m grown. When you’re like 18 you’re like I’m grown. When you’re 25 you’re like I’m grown. And then at some age you’re like I’m never grown.”

I guess I’m at that point where I realize I’m never growing up. In this last decade I’ve said my final goodbyes to nearly twenty friends, family members, loved ones, peers, and co-workers. With every memorial service I reflect on their life as well as my own. What I do know is life is too short to grow up.

In a few days I turn 40. And if the CDC is correct, I’m more than halfway towards my final destination. As I look towards 40 I have been reflecting on the many dreams that I had pushed aside in pursuit of what seemed like realistic, responsible, and respectable ‘dreams.’

Yet here I stand having over half my life and find myself with deferred hope and dreams deferred. Understanding more and more the tensions that existed in Audre Lourdes' A Raisin in the Sun and echoing Langston Hughes question about what happens when dreams are deferred.

The way I see it I’ve got a decision to make:

1. Keep running around the hamster wheel making lemonade for others to drink while I wait for the sweet bye and bye.
2. Live more and more unapologetically, return to me, and chase joy.
   

So here I am in 20+20, at the beginning of a decade recognizing a need to journey home, to me.

As I look towards the future, I recognize just how precious each moment is. So I must choose to live more and more unapologetically. I must live each day as though it’s my first and last. I must choose to live more fully as I return to me. I must choose to chase Joy.

For me that means I’m going to:

1. Dance like nobody's watching and keep dancing when they do watch
2. Sit on a beach and write while gazing beyond the horizon
3. Discover bike trails and ride with the wind in my face, so I can feel like I’m flying
4. Bake Fancy Christmas cookies when it ain’t even Christmas
5. Cook from my heart with new seasons, spices, recipes and techniques I learn
6. Love and care for my body with what I eat and what I do
7. Tend to my soul on a therapist’s chair, in inner healing prayer and spiritual direction

As I begin to chase joy and journey home, I’m singing a different Disney song and like Moana wondering just how far I’ll go.

For the past few weeks Facebook has been asking if I want to start a fundraiser for my birthday in order to raise money for a worthy cause. This year I have decided I will raise money for a worthy cause: Me as I Chase Joy on my Journey Home. More information on my  GoFundMe Page.

Joy Chasing Activity	Cost/Total Needed
Bike Rack for my car (to hit the bike trails throughout LA County)	$200 Total Needed: $200
Join me at a trail	Free we’ll probably grab lunch after Total Needed: Lunch money
Inner Healing Prayer / Spiritual Direction	Sessions: $75 per session (6 sessions) Total Needed: $450
Pray for me and with me as I chase joy and journey home	Time
7 Day retreat within walking distance of the ocean	Room: $750 Meals: $150 Travel: $100 Total Needed: $1000
New computer with a good warranty to write and finish my dissertation	Computer: $1200 Extended Care Plan and software: $300 Total Needed: $700
Read, like, share, subscribe to my blog	Time and email address
Counseling	Counseling: $80 per session twice a month Total Needed: $1,920
Words of encouragement: I love cards and have 3 shoeboxes full of cards, notes and letters	Stamp: $.55 Email/e-card free
3 Dance Classes per week at Downtown Dance Studio and Athletic Garage	$15 per class Total Needed: $2340
Join me at a dance class	$15 per class
Go out dancing with me	Cover at the club
Baking/Cooking Classes at Culinary Labs or Sauté Culinary Academy	Cooking Series: $1800 Baking Series: $1700 Decorating Series: $500 One day Classes: $50-100 per class Total Needed: $4000
Come try what I’ve cooked and baked	Appetite You have to eat
Travel locally and globally and see what is beyond the horizon	$5 metro day pass $50 Amtrak ticket one way locally Plane, boat, train ticket somewhere else Total Needed: $5-$1000