Unapologetically Me

This is Part I of Processing - This Week: May 29, 2020 Like most working moms who are taking their kids to work as they work remotely during the pandemic I have learned all the more how important it is for me to protect my time and space. When I set aside time to write I have learned that I have to protect the writing time with my life. That means walling myself off in some corner of my home emerging to come up for air and food and tuning all social media and the rest of the world out. And so when I emerged for a breathe on Tuesday and saw my timeline filled with a new hashtag I logged off. I logged off not because I wanted to remain ignorant of what happened. I logged off to protect my sanity, to protect my own wellbeing. And just as I have learned that I have to fight to protect my time I’ve learned to fight to protect my heart and mind.  When I saw there was another name added to the list, I knew I couldn’t watch it or see it or process it or anything else. I already knew I’ve b...

Part 2: Processing This Week- May 29, 2020 (If you haven't I encourage you to read  Part 1  as well) I learned that I can’t expose myself to everything that you see What I watch will have a more drastic impact on me I have to protect my mind, body, and soul Because of the years and things I’ve seen has taken its toll I can’t see yet another video and I don’t need to see it in order to fully understand  It won’t teach me anything new about this here fucked up land  We live in that we call the U.S. of A And no matter what folks try to say  Its been fucked up since that very day  When they kidnapped us and brought us ashore  Placing us in shackles as we fought to endure  To preserve our humanity no matter how much it was denied  Holding our heads up high while our souls silently cried  Chanting and saying see me and let me breathe  But we’re here again, figuring out how to grieve  The death that came as he kneeled and took his li...

Part 3: Processing This Week- May 29, 2020  (If you haven't I encourage you to read Part 1 as well) You have to know this shit takes its toll On our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls It’s like a venom that lives inside my veins  That pours forth every time we have to utter a new name  It’s the venom that makes my heart skip a beat When I’m driving down the street and I cop I do meet Its vicarious trauma that courses through my veins  That is slowly killing me and driving me insane It’s like these tiny pinpricks that crawls slowly along my skin  As I wonder aloud if this shit will ever really end As yet another mother has joined a group that we all know we could belong to someday  That mother's club we didn’t get recruited to this year so we can celebrate a birthday I’m tired of this shit but don’t know that I have hope that it will end  Because of the privilege that you hold that’s birthed out of the sin Of centuries of trauma that yes your people did ...

Part 4: Processing This Week- May 29, 2020 (If you haven't I encourage you to read  Part 1  as well) There’s a terror I knew when I birthed a black boy into this world  I see the insults and allegations his way will be hurled  You don’t understand I don’t think you will ever really know  It’s something so raw and vulnerable I choose to never fully show  But it’s the same venom the trauma that makes my heart race  When my son leaves the house with a big smile on his face Wanting to simply go ride his bike from here to there  I have to give him a long list of don’t as I pull back his hair  And I wait while he’s gone not really breathing at all  Not until he returns and hoping no one will call And tell me there’s been an incident involving my son today  Do I have time to come by and hear what they have to say  It’s a fear that’s my companion and it won’t just simply go away I’ll hold it until my own dying day  And I pray to m...

Part 5: Processing This Week-May 29, 2020 (If you haven't I encourage you to read  Part 1  as well) Yet all you care about is if that damn dog is okay  Believe me folks he’ll live to bark another day  And run off-leash and be treated with more freedom than my whole race Because you look at me as though I’m a criminal and pull out your mace Concerned about the dog and here he would stay Ignoring the way she weaponized her words with all she had to say Ignoring the fact her words could bring to him the same fate That it did to so many others I lost count to date So excuse me ‘cause I have no sympathy for those white girl tears  That you’ve used over and over throughout all the years   As you’ve sought your white spots and staked out your place  And called the cops at the sight of our face  Making your intentions known that you would weaponize your tears  Conjuring up all the lessons you’ve learned along years Knowing that your words would ...

Baby Jane, Baby Jane  That was your name  That I rarely every used  Unless my front teeth I wanted to loose Grandma is what I called you  As I looked for something to do  Sitting beside you perched on the front porch  Watching people go by or the fireworks we would torch  Being called you bug and cookie girl  Making me feel like I was the center of your world  Even though you had so many of us we all felt that way  When we’d make so much noise inside and out of your house each and every day  I don’t know how you raised so many you cared so much  You taught us to stand our ground and don’t take no body’s stuff  You were a woman before your time You didn’t seem to let anyone make up your mind  You were unbothered by the perception of what people might say  Hell you knew we’d all eventually die one day  You didn’t allow their view phase you one bit  You rolled your eyes said some words on your ...